What if You Don't Fly?

"Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live." - Henry Van Dyke

This post is going to be about death. Be forewarned.

“Midnight Mass” is one of the best television series I’ve ever seen. It’s the best thing Mike Flannigan has ever done and likely will ever do. Because if he does top that, it will be triumphant.

The show has two compelling monologues about death. One from the perspective of a Christian…

And one from an atheist.

I would encourage you to watch both, or better yet watch the whole show so that that moment can be new when it hits you. I have talked a lot about the negative impacts of media in this series. And media does carry a lot of dangerous propaganda. I even think it is unintentional most of the time.

Movies, books, tv shows and music do a lot more than that though. They give you perspective. A way to give shape to your thoughts and words to speak your inner thoughts. It gives me clarity and comfort, especially to know that I’m not alone. That my world view isn’t an island.

Suicide ideation was a huge part of my development. I’m not afraid to talk about it, or even to write about it, but that’s still a conversation for another day. This is more just about death. The end of a journey.

Why is death so scary? We are sold a lie about a Judeo-Christian society. Death is something to fear if you have to fear what waits for you when you die. Regret. Loss. The vantablack of the unknown. As one who courted death for so many years of my life, I never have feared it.

I also don’t chase it. Nor do I really dwell on it anymore. I came to peace with the idea of death a long time ago. I’ve lost loved ones, pets and had the death of relationships. Death takes many forms in our lives. It is a complicated part of life as our existence is reliant on the death of other beings.

Death helped me come to grips with a lot of the other issues in our world. It helped me sever my ties with religion. It helped me develop deeper empathy and compassion. It has allowed me to see beyond myself and stop worrying about how I’ll be remembered or how I will die. I will die. Eventually, I won’t be remembered.

There are still things that give me an existential crisis. What exists outside of space. What existed before existence. But death gives me a purpose. It gives me a meaning.

I learned from an early age, through all forms of media, that regret is a powerful force in a person’s life. Deathbed confessions, remorse over the last conversation, the finality of death and it’s impact on the world around a person. I saw the way that so many people regretted their life that it empowered me to never live a life of regret.

That’s not to say I have done things right. I have hurt people and made mistakes. I have things that I need to make amends for, who doesn’t? Death wipes your slate clean, but life doesn’t. That’s where I’ve found a foundation. How I come to terms with life.

Once I’m dead, what I did won’t matter anymore. It has already happened. While I’m alive, it matters. Every day matters. Every conversation matters. Every moment is a chance to impact my future. The people in my life’s future. The future of my world. I know that can be scary, or overwhelming, but for me it has been invigorating. Once I was able to remove the shackles of fear from me, I was able to live an unburdened life.

I was able to lead a better life. Because I know I am going to die, I have to make every day matter. I take time to enjoy things that I love. I find time to enjoy the people that I love. If someone doesn’t want me in their life, I grieve the loss of that relationship, but I understand that it was an opportunity for me to learn and to grow.

I also don’t fear the death of the people in my life. If I live life the best that I can, then I have done all that I can do. I have spent the time that I was able with them. Helped them how I can. This isn’t a rallying cry for anyone to my philosophies, by the way, just reflecting.

Once I was able to accept the finite nature of existence, I started seeing time as the only commodity that matters. My time, my friend’s time, my family’s time. If people choose to spend the most precious commodity with me, that is a value I can not waste. If people don’t appreciate my time, they aren’t worth keeping in my life.

I quit my job because they didn’t value my time. Most jobs don’t. Most people at jobs don’t either. How much is a minute of your life worth? How are you spending your time? I also don’t let myself live in fear of how my time is spent. If I am doing what I want, then it is time well spent.

If I write something here and it isn’t perfect, so what? I still did it. I got to share my philosophy with whoever wants it. And if you don’t? That’s fine too. I saw an article today about a 91 year old woman who ran a GoFundMe to retire. That’s not a world I want anyone to have to live in. So I spend my time trying to help make that not be a world we live in.

I know it will cost me friends. I know it will be the death of some of my relationships. I know it will hurt me in jobs. I know it. I know. Because it has. People in our wedding party are no longer in our lives. And yet, I know I’m not alone. I see it in my friends. I see it in media. I read it in books. And hear it in songs.

We are all going to die. But what are you going to do to live? I met one of my two best friends in my thirties. If you want to know the genesis of RocketCon, it is that I met a guy the year we lived in Charlotte that I instantly bonded with. We were moving to Richmond and he was moving back to Atlanta.

I hung out with him pretty regularly, we played D&D. He hung out at my house. I knew I had to do something or this friendship was going to fade away. I didn’t want that. So I threw myself a birthday party. I invited a lot of my closest friends. Most of them came. RocketCon has grown to something much more than a party for me and I love that. But, that first get together was really special.

I got to see some of my closest friends become friends as well. My two best friends are very good friends now. They have a relationship facilitated by me, but it has it’s own life. We played a lot more party games back then. We also explored Richmond a little bit more. It spread to us going to DragonCon together (which was incredible as well!) and just growing into a social circle founded on one simple philosophy - Don’t Ruin Anyone Else’s Good Time.

What does that look like in practice? No sore winners, no sore losers. No racists. No sexists. No homophobes or transphobes. But also, discourse. We talk about the taboo subjects. We address things that we don’t like. It’s easy to say that talking about hard subjects ruins your good time, but if you’re not willing to address the things you do that hurt other people, you’re not welcome here.

There are very few things in life I regret. I don’t move forward with regret, but I do have instances before I lived authentically that I do. I was cruel and compassionless at times in my life. I hurt people that I never apologized to. I was so afraid of being wrong that I was offensive. What a bad place to be.

This Substack is an atonement and it isn’t. I learned a lot from just seeing other people’s vulnerability. It has helped me learn to be vulnerable as well. Getting over the fear of vulnerability was freeing in the same way that the fear of death was. Being myself regardless of the cost was scary.

Not as scary as being a woman in this world. Not as scary as being a person of color in this world. Not as scary as living paycheck to paycheck. Or being queer. I’ve lost a lot of friends for saying that Black Lives Matter. And friends for challenging their political views. This isn’t a pity post, mind you. I knew the cost and I still did it. This also isn’t an attack on those who aren’t ready to make that move.

This is just what me living my life looks like. I know I’m going to die one day. But today I am alive. And if I am alive today, I have a choice to make. Every day I want to make the choice to make the world a better place when I’m able. I won’t always get it right. I won’t always be on the right side. That’s okay. I’m not omniscient.

Here’s about an hour of songs about death.