Well I'm driving my speed demon machine

Burning Out all over the whole world

What possessed me to leave my job? I was up for a promotion and didn’t get it. That certainly played a part. I was frustrated with my work life balance. I was unhappy with the direction I felt our company was going. I didn’t believe what I was selling anymore.

I have always been, at my core, a salesman. If I believe in something, I’ll make you believe in it too. Even if you don’t. Even if you disagree. It has gotten me into trouble plenty. But if I think something is true, I will not argue my point, I’ll sell you on it. It has made me a very effective sales person.

But I’ve always struggled to be a good sales person. There’s a difference, a stark one, between an effective sales person and a good one. Because being effective at selling something (a product, an idea, a way of life) is a dangerous ability and one that is wielded wildly.

In my youth, I experimented with persuasion. I found ways to manipulate people. I had to learn what was acceptable and unacceptable. I had to learn to accept people’s boundaries and respect them completely. I violated people’s trust and lost friendships. I was a bad friend at times. I was cruel. I was infected with a deep, cultural misogyny that assailed the foundation of empathy and compassion my parents tried to instill in me.

I could have easily found myself on the path of being an incel in this era. I see that misanthropy, self-loathing and angry as a reflection of my younger self. I hurt people I cared about because I was a wounded animal and I never got the life I was promised in media. I didn’t really appreciate women as people - ironic as so many women helped shape the person I am today.

My mother guided me through so much emotional pain and angst as a child. She gave me a love of travel, food and music. She helped me love myself when I never thought I could. And I spent a long time unsure if I could ever love myself.

My sister is the person I’ve looked up to my whole life. She gave me a love for alternative art that has stuck with me forever. She encouraged my curiosity into things that many other kids never experienced - horror films/tv, metal, punk and alternative rock. I knew I could listen to or like whatever I wanted because my sister did it and she was (and is still) the coolest person I ever knew.

My aunt Ruthie helped foster my love of gaming! If you know me in any capacity, you probably associate me with music or games at least a bit. My father definitely shaped my appreciate of cinema and television. And my brother sparked my interest in fantasy. But, prominent women played a foundational role in my identity. Far more than I listed here and I hope all of them know how much I deeply appreciate their impact on my life.

I don’t think I’m alone in my history here. I never truly valued my friendships with women when I was younger, because I was blinded by objectification. I hurt people I cared about because I couldn’t see their humanity. Asked broadly generic questions that they couldn’t answer because I assumed a hive mind.

I was able to maintain those friendships, because I was persuasive. It’s how so many people exist in scenes when they are predatory, abusive or dangerous. They sell themselves and you let yourself buy in. Which puts you in an ethical dilemma. How do you sell something you don’t believe in? And if I can’t believe in myself, how can I sell that?

If you recall, from my last post, I was taught a strict set of ethics from my father. It is engrained in me. I was also gifted an inquisitive mind that was allowed to seek as much knowledge as possible. I mentioned, as you might also recall, a father who strove to meet his ideals. So, I may have had to argue my point to the marrow, but if I brought the truth to light he would concede. The truth is, was and will be the truth (until that truth is successfully challenged).

When I was told how my actions hurt other people, I saw the truth. And it put me on a path to understanding and empathy. I learned when I violated a boundary and strove to never do it again. But a lot of people don’t have my foundation.

A lot of people are able to sell a lie. A lot of effective sales people. People who don’t act with integrity. People who can see your boundaries and know how to push them but don’t care what happens to the person on the other side. And they can get results. Elected into office, CEO of massive business, top sales agent, countless opportunities to find success and renown as an effective sales person.

A good sales person is an effective sales person who respects your boundaries. They listen to what you want and need and find the best match for you. They are honest in their feedback and transparent. And there are a lot of good sales people in the world. They care about customer service. They build a real rapport. They help you and value your time. I have always strived to be a good sales person.

But when you work for someone else, you are sometimes asked to sell things that you don’t believe in. We exist in a world that asks us to compromise our beliefs daily. You have to find what you are comfortable with and exist there. A boycott of Nestle sounds great until you realize for most people that’s unfeasible.

I’m not here to judge people who make choices out of survival. I certainly have made plenty. Most people in the world are forced to make choices out of survival. And the ones that aren’t tend to make life more difficult for those that must. But my wife correctly pointed out that I could take some time for myself and figure myself out. This blessing I had worked so hard for could be mine. She gave me permission to explore what I truly want out of my time on this world.

I had someone push me to be myself. Something I have wrestled with for 40 years. Someone that has helped me forgive myself for the person I was when I was younger. And maybe I worked so hard as an escape from the person I was when I was younger. But when you’re trying to be a good sales person and you’re asked to sell something you don’t believe in, you feel the burn.

And at some point, it’s not a burn - it’s a fire. And if you don’t get control of that fire, it consumes you. So I burned out. I had an escape door opened for me and I jumped out. I certainly feel some survivor’s remorse. I am able to exit that grind, even temporarily. I left behind a lot of good people, many of which will continue to stay in my life thanks to technology, but I know they don’t get this luxury. So they have to continue on, trying to be good sales people. Good workers. Kind and empathetic leaders.

But if I had stayed in much longer, I might have been burned to a crisp.

P.S. Mr. Mirainga’s Burnin’ Rubber isn’t on Spotify, but here’s about an hour of music that makes me feel the way that song does for your week: