Only in Dreams...

What living out my lifelong dream of not working looks like

Here’s an hour of dreamy music.

As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be retired. Okay, not necessarily retired, but also not stuck in an endless cycle of compromising my ethics to get a paycheck and make someone else a lot richer. I’m not opposed to doing work and if I believe in something I will throw my full support behind it.

Anyone who has spent any measure of time around me knows about SOMETHING I love. My wife. Music. Gaming. Travel. My dogs. My friends. Movies, TV Shows, philosophies and obscure fandoms. I love the stuff I love very publicly.

I will give you my honest opinion on anything, whether you agree or not. And I want to know why you love the things you do. Maybe you’ll show me something I missed. A good critic should be open to new information. Criticism should be about your honest understanding of what and where something is coming from. A good critic should be able to appreciate something, even if they don’t like it.

Criticism should also understand the humanity of the situation. In my time criticizing things, I had to learn to dissect the subject, not the person. Yeah, you probably can distill a lot about a person if they give you consistent information, but that is not the entirety of the person. I have, admittedly, struggled with how to be critical of something without being critical of someone.

Anyone who has been both a musician and my friend can tell you, I will give you my honest assessment of your performance. I’m pretty sure it has damaged some of my relationships, but it has made other relationships more valuable. I remember my friend Jason Kutchma once asking me why I held a bad day against a performer and it changed my perception of art. Everyone has bad days at work. Poor communication days. And when you’re in the public eye, the demand on the positive is greater. The bad is amplified.

Poor reviews. A rude personality. It’s not just performers, it’s anyone. Retail workers. Servers. A customer service representative. Why should we hold a bad day against anyone? But we do. We hold it against the person who is serving us and the person who is being served. And that one little conversation has helped me see the human on the other side of every interaction.

It’s also made me a better critic. I have spent the time since then learning how to criticize something in a way that is reinforcing, not demoralizing. Criticism should be about how we can improve. How we can get better. What strengths people bring, the promise not just the current results. And acknowledging the positive even if it isn’t to your tastes. At least in terms of opinion.

So part of what this time away from work is allowing me to do is focus on my criticism as an artform. I had dreams of being a journalist in my college days. I was scared off of it, because it wasn’t profitable. Because it was a lot of work with little reward. And it isn’t a lucrative industry. But I have always admired the ability to bring a fact based approach to information.

I had a conversation once with my wife about being right in an argument. And how frustrating it is that when someone proves I’m wrong I just say, “okay.” That’s the end of the argument because they are right. I take away the satisfaction of the win. For me, it’s never about winning, but about accuracy. The emotional side of an argument can feel validating and definitely helps create a culture of misinformation, but it divorces us from the reality of a situation.

And good journalists strive to present the reality of a situation. A good critic should do the same. Present the reality of something and let you make your own decision with that information. It should be able what you see, what you like and don’t like, but not as an assault on that person. It’s a hard line to walk.

So, I’m taking this time to write. Obviously. You wouldn’t be here if I weren’t. I’m going to do more reviews. Board games, music, movies and TV shows. Even if it is just a place for me to come back and see what I genuinely felt about something at that time and place in my life. If it introduces you to something you might love, that’s all the better. I love my hobbies and I am always excited when someone else shares an affinity.

This time away from working is allowing me the space to create without need for anything other than the process. It doesn’t matter if it is good or not, it just matters because I get to do it. And I get better at it.

When I was, very briefly, entertaining the idea of being a journalist, I found interviewing to be something I really enjoyed doing. I still interview people regularly, just casually. Tell me about yourself. What are you passionate about? I love getting to know the person behind the story. So I’m doing more interviews. I have been working to get more on the books now that I have time to prepare and properly edit.

The feedback I got from the videos I started doing last year? I finally have the bandwidth to implement those changes. To learn. To grow my skills. I’m going to start doing more reviews. And thanks to criticism from strangers, I’m going to make them BETTER. People cared enough to take the time to tell me how to get better. They did it with compassion and understanding.

I’m also taking time to read. And do other writing. I’ve been working on a book for the better part of a decade but I’ve never had the bandwidth to make it. I also didn’t trust my creativity enough to make it worth my while.

I’m also writing music again. I had let that part of me die, because I wouldn’t or couldn’t be a success. Now I don’t care. I can just make music with my friends for the sake of making music that I like. Even if I don’t love it. Because even my favorite song writers don’t always make songs that I love. My favorite authors wrote books I don’t like. My favorite film makers have flops. Why can’t I also have the space to make bad art in the pursuit of good art? And how will I ever get better at the art I make if I don’t ever make it.

We exist in a world where we are only judged by our results, not our process. Results absolutely matter. But process matters even more. If we can divorce ourselves from the necessity of better results and only focus on a better process, then we improve things for everyone. If people can contribute what they want to contribute and are given the space to grow into a position, we will find people both happier and more productive.

Some brains have a natural inclination to fixations. They want to master a specific thing. Others like a broad approach to knowledge and the application of that knowledge. The spectrum of knowledge and its application is better served if we cultivate a world where all approaches have the room to grow and develop. My intent here is not to glamorize ADHD. But singular focus is a thing. One I don’t have, for sure, but you encounter it a lot.

People who really like solving Rubik’s cubes. People who really love AC/DC. Chess masters. People who watch Law and Order spin-offs. Disney fans.

People already dedicate themselves to things and derive enjoyment from that. Others love to seek out new experiences and find enjoyment in novelty. And most people fall somewhere on that spectrum. You’re going to have things you want to explore and things you want to dedicate yourself to. There are things that will speak to you that don’t speak to me. That’s okay.

But this year is already healing cultural wounds for me personally. It’s eliminating the fear of failure because it doesn’t matter. I’m not doing this for anyone other than me.

It’s manifesting in other ways. I have the bandwidth for household chores. I’m even planning projects around the house to help make it better. The variety of knowledge I’ve acquired I can put to use in a way that may or may not help. But I get to use it. I get to share it.

I also get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I get to play the video games I’ve backlogged. I get to read the books on my to be read pile. I get to watch movies I haven’t had the time for, because if they weren’t good they were a waste of my time.

We should never exist in fear of new experiences because they might be a waste. Even people with dedicated focus need some variety or they become obsessed. People with broad focus need some intention or it is can become aimless. Mental health issues can exacerbate those situations as well.

But I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t enjoying this time or taking advantage of it. I’m taking naps. And playing with my dogs. And just doing whatever I want every single day. I may only get one year of that before I have to go back to 40 hours a week, but I’m hopefully I find something this year where I can make enough to enjoy my life fully.