Ode to the North American Snake Oil Distributor

This Essay is a Request Completed

I don’t listen to a lot of music about hating your job. I don’t watch TV shows about it. I really don’t consume a lot of media about it. There are some exceptions. Clerks is one of my favorite, most quoted movies. I love Dillinger Four. Office Space. I’ll even give props to Drew Carey, who is not one of my favorite comedians -

I just have always accepted it to be a universal truth that everyone hates their job (it’s not). I’ve met people who love what they do and they are successful at it, but I can’t relate to that. I’ve never had a job I liked, let alone loved. I’ve had jobs I tolerated.

One of the nails in my coffin at my last job was an honest conversation I had with an executive. I told them that I was money motivated. I was told that I needed a different motivation. It was one of the key drivers in my “lacking professional maturity,” even though that wasn’t said. I could have said career motivated, but that’s not true. I’m career motivated because I want to make more money. I want to make more money because I want to retire.

I also do a really good job because the better job I do, the more money I make. I understand that for some people, talking plainly about the realities of our work force is off putting. But I have a resume and a track record at every job I can be proud of. I’ve never been close to being fired, never really been on paperwork at any job. I’m a top performer, if not the top performer, at every job I’ve ever had.

I won a regional MVP at Time Warner Cable my last year there. That was over thousands of employees. I was a top sales performer at my location and a union steward at AT&T. I had an opportunity to run for office in the union (and in another life I might have, AT&T was the worst company I have ever worked for and that is saying something). I won awards every year at 2nd and Charles, both as a store manager and as a district manager. I’ve got a history of promotion at most of my jobs.

I’ve been in commissioned sales for most of my working career. I’m really good at it. Like, people remember me on the street years later good. Like, I sold shoes so good I got a wife out of it. Like, I’ve made $3k a week commission checks selling cable at a mall kiosk (the 2008 housing collapse is one of the biggest financial set backs of my life). I’ve worked most every type of commissioned work there is. Pure, hourly + commission, tipped labor and worked on a draw.

I’ve sold so many different things - car washes, ladies shoes, DVD subscriptions, every type of telecommunications, home security systems, houses, credit cards, protection plans and many, many more. I’ve sold band merch. I’ve been a retailer too, but that’s a different type of sales from what I’m talking about today.

“What do I think of commissioned sales?” Adrianne asked me that and I have dedicated most of my adult life to that topic so I have answers. I’m going to speak very anecdotally throughout this, because this is going to be my experience. So buckle up and learn what I see as the good, the bad and the ugly of commissioned sales.

The Good

First and foremost, let me tell you the one thing that appeals to me, above all, about commissioned sales. A commission check is one of the few ways a company actually pays you for the work you’ve done. Still not close to what they are making off your labor, but it is a tangible way to say “here’s a little of the profit and we’re sharing it with you.” It overrides so many of the other things I’m going to write about today.

A huge commission check is a job well done. It is awesome. Even at my worst, I was making tens of thousands of dollars in commissioned sales on top of hourly wages. I made more in commissioned sales than a full-time worker at one of my stores when I was a retailer. I have a lot of feelings about that as well, but not for today. I didn’t have to worry about raises, I just needed to crush my job every day. And I’m a really good sales person.

I’m a terrible marketer though. They get lumped together a lot, but I struggle with marketing because it isn’t about what I want to see. It’s about what other people want to see. And I don’t really enjoy what a lot of other people enjoy. I appreciate great advertising, because it is an artform in and of itself.

I like being in commissioned sales because I don’t have to bring the customers in, I just have to sell to them. I love selling people on things, I do it for fun. Check out this movie, this book, this band, this record, this TV show. I like selling things I’m interested in, because I get to play with cool toys.

When I was in telecommunications, I GOT EVERY CHANNEL. I loved it. I could watch whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I got to watch TV and movies at work. I got paid to talk about cool cell phone features (less fun). I got to help people. I got to get you into what you actually wanted and what you actually needed.

I got to save people money - a good sales person doesn’t want you spending more today, they want you spending more long term. If I get you into the right fit, you’re going to come back and you’re going to buy from ME again. I’m building a lasting relationship (and I have made friends from selling product to people before). But I hate selling myself, even writing what I’ve accomplished feels bad.

I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. It feels like I’m bragging. It’s was my biggest issue with real estate. You HAVE to sell yourself as an agent before you get to show yourself as an agent. Good marketing is a must there. I struggled with it in being in a band. Marketing my band was tough. I did not want to be annoying about something I loved. But the truth is, most things annoy you into checking them out. Most advertising is bad. It’s just pervasive.

I also got to work with people who ALSO love the same things I do. I got to talk about cool stuff with my co-workers because you don’t tend to last in a job if you don’t care about the product.

So, to recap commissioned sales -

• tangibly rewarded me for my hard work.

• allowed me educational access to things I loved

• brought me a customer to allow me to use my sales skills effectively

• helped me build relationships with people and allowed me to help THOSE people make the right decision for them.

The Bad

It’s hard to differentiate the bad and the ugly from commissioned sales. What was bad for me was the competition. The bad in this case will be the impact on the interpersonal relationships in the work place.

When you work in commissioned sales, the climate that is cultivated is very cutthroat. Despite team based selling being 258% more effective. If you work with sales people, they know it too. You build alliances in commissioned sales. You have to, to survive. Because co-workers will steal sales. Steal customers. They will stick you with bad customers. They will lie to make more money.

Trust in a hyper competitive environment can be really hard. Turnover is massive, which I’ll cover more in the ugly. A lot of sales people aren’t trustworthy. When you deal with a potential customer, you have to face all their previous bad experiences with that company and some of your co-workers. I’ve seen people make poor financial decisions in buying just because they don’t want to deal with the hassle of my company’s customer service. That’s a killer.

Building rapport with customers feels like a breeze compared to co-workers. Because trust is such a valuable commodity in that community, it is fiercely guarded. And it is violated easily because the job draws people that are untrustworthy but successful. Any sales industry is littered with unscrupulous people. While car salesmen at 9% ranks highest in dishonesty in sales and liars fail out, there’s a mythology that salespeople are dishonest.

And that because companies HIRE deceitful employees. So, the good sales people that last are surrounded by really bad people who lie and mistreat customers. Those people tend to have really great numbers for a short time and then lose the customers when their co-workers clean up their mess.

And a lot of being in sales is cleaning up other people’s messes. Lying about promotions. Lying about products. Lying about anything to give you that push to buy so they can make some more money.

The Ugly

Most of commissioned sales is really ugly. What’s good about being in sales?

The reward for someone else getting that customer in the door through marketing is I have to sell what THEY want me to. Not what you want, not what you need, not what’s best for you, what an executive has determined is the best thing for driving quarterly numbers so that stock prices go up.

I can not stress to anyone not in sales how much it sucks to have to sell a product you do not believe in. And when I say you HAVE TO, I mean if you want to keep your job. Because if you’re in commissioned sales, your job is CONSTANTLY threatened. Every single day. You come to work and are told if you don’t hit this quota, you’re out the door. If you hit a quota consistently, they move it higher. If you make too much money, they’ll fire you. You can’t be too good at your job, unless you do it exactly the way they want you to.

Managers in most sales environments don’t have your back. They will actively throw you under the bus, because that’s how they moved into management in the first place. They sold the lie the company wanted them to sell. I’ve had the least competent managers in commissioned sales, terrible sales skills and worse people management skills. But they were loyal to the company.

Most sales people can also tell you just how little companies care about their customers. Companies REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hate the person buying from them, but love their money. Seriously, talk to someone you trust who has done commissioned sales and ask them what their company sells that is bad for the consumer. You’ll be shocked.

The companies know you’ll be back because of their exceptional sales people and their great marketing, so they do everything they can to make as much money as possible with as little respect for the consumer as possible. And they hire people who ONLY care about making money at any cost because they believe that’s effective. And they promote people who are loyal to the company, not people who are good at their job even.

Everything about commissioned sales culture is horrible on the corporate side. Most of your bosses are either breathing down your neck or effectively a ghost (those are better for the employees, if you’re choosing). You don’t get training, you get scripted. You don’t get coaching, you get browbeaten. It’s not about getting the right fit for a customer, it’s about selling margin drivers and contracts. Locking people into lies.

I’ve sold TV contracts (DirecTV and Dish). I’ve sold bad cell phone plans. I’ve ALWAYS done my best to tell the truth to the consumer. Given them as clear a picture as I can. I managed to hit my quotas through very hard work. I sold cell phone plans from a cable tv kiosk in a mall. I almost never had a customer come back and complain about what I had sold them.

It happens, buyers remorse is a real thing. But companies HATE you for changing your mind. They make it impossible for you to cancel something they paid commission on. Even though they are taking that money away from the sales person, they are losing ALL that money they were making off you. Because if they are paying a commission, it is still a pittance compared to what they are making.

And the inept managers foster the worst kind of competition. They lie about your co-workers. They play favorites. They will reward bad behavior until their job is on the line and they will throw those same favorites under the bus.

According to a survey conducted by Harvard Business Review the annual turnover rate of sales representatives in the US is 27%, twice the turnover rate in all labor groups. The study further revealed that the average sales person turnover rate in many industries is less than two years.

Turnover in sales is rampant. Because the pressure is unrelenting. The goalposts move daily. Because you’re encouraged to do unethical behavior. Because your boss has no support and only cares about quotas. Because your co-workers don’t trust you or you can’t trust them. Because the competition is about me over you.

You can have comradery at work, and the people who make it know how to make that work. How to play the game. Who to cover for and when. No one is going to teach you the ropes, that’s dangerous. The workplaces are toxic. Customer service is dis-incentivized to helpful to customers.

The customers hate you, the company hates you. It’s really ugly. I’ve had co-workers threatened, assaulted, harassed and left out to dry by their boss. I’ve had bosses NO where to be found when an issue that required their assistance comes up. You better figure it out in those situations or you’re done for.

It doesn’t have to be this way - and truthfully it pays to be honest - but we must demand more.

I’ll leave this post with a little anecdote. The impetus for me leaving AT&T. I worked with a store manager who was excellent. Our store had started really putting up numbers across the board. They had reinvigorated a place that was a constant underperformer. They were honest, transparent and supportive. They got pulled into the office by their boss one day. Why? They had stopped writing up associates.

You see, they were encouraged to write up associates so that they could be fired with cause when the company needed that to happen. They were given an ultimatum, write up the salespeople or else. On the day they were fired, the location was the top sales performer in the district and one of the top in the region for the first time in years.

Here’s a little less than an hour of music for you -