Holding In A Cough

Coming up on the one year anniversary of quitting my job

We’re about one month out from a landmark moment in my life when I put in my notice and never looked back. Or spent an entire year looking back. That sounds more like what actually happened. I’ve started gearing myself up to re-enter the working force. I thought I had conquered existential dread, but the idea of applying for jobs has me staring into the abyss once again and thinking about the meaning of life.

“Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements,” said the great poet Peter Gibbons.

I don’t know if there is a meaning to life, I’m certainly not qualified to assign meaning to all life. What I have been thinking about is my personal philosophy, what do I want out of life. What I have settled on is doing as little harm as possible.

A lot of philosophers have the ability to speak to the human condition on a grander scale than I feel equipped, but I know my struggle to return to work will come with harm reduction coupled with the exploitative nature of the working world.

My own exploitation. The exploitation of others. The exploitation of the world and its resources. The ongoing exploitation of vulnerable people. The pursuit of a noble existence, to make a living without making the world a worse place, means to stand opposed to the current machinations of our world. What a lofty, self-indulgent thought.

I believe I have written about a discovery just before I left my job. That an assistant manager at one of our locations was living in their car. So many atrocities by and to the people around me and that’s what lingers. A physically, emotionally and mentally demanding job that rewards you with enough money to sleep in your car?

A return to even a forty hour work week also feels overwhelming right now. Time away from working has allowed me to see how much I was avoiding, in dealing with issues in my life and my mental health. If I kept myself exhausted, I didn’t have to confront things I didn’t like about myself that I had the capacity to change. Depleting that energy bar meant the capacity didn’t exist.

Now I stand on the other side of the Grand Canyon, so to speak, looking at the crater I descended and then rose from and have to learn how to function in the world with a newfound sense of identity and understanding. I’ve found things that give me joy and I don’t want to lose them, but how can I keep my joyous pursuits and make a living?

A puritanical work ethic also made me miserable. Will a competitive drive for success overcome my desire for contentment? Knowing a life without misery means the potential of falling back into that misery is terrifying as well. I have lived without fear for so long, it’s hard to grapple with the enormity of fear.

There’s also the idea of doing what you love. Well, a lot of what I love is not financially viable without a massive work load. I know because I see the people who do it and how much of themselves they invest to just survive. The time commitment to making a living in creative endeavors requires it to happen in conjunction with another, more financially rewarding career. That career saps my drive to create. I know because I’ve seen it for twenty plus years.

Time at home has been rewarding for my marriage and friendships as well. My social circle before quitting my job had dwindled down to a handful of people. I cherish those friendships, but it diminished a sense of community and fostered a feeling of isolation. It also put pressure on key friendships.

In my marriage, we found the time to really explore what we love doing together. We were able to grow closer as friends. Adrianne told me that this year has been rewarding for her as well. How can I move forward working with the understanding that it will stunt this development?

Ultimately, I’m hoping for a decent work from home job. So, if you know anyone who’s hiring…